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March 2008 • Adar 5768 Volume 20, No. 8, #144
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Jews and Global Warming

By Chaptzem

There’s only one thing odder-looking than a non-Jew eating a beautifully congealed piece of garlicky gallah. That is a Jewish person with a globally conscious hybrid car with solar panels on his roof. Can you just imagine seeing a Jewish family, with the kinderlech, einiklech, schver, schvigger, the zeides and the bubbes squeezing themselves into a tiny little gas-electric-powered Toyota Prius hybrid car? I think not.
It’s not because Jewish people aren’t concerned about global warming, because we most definitely are. It’s just that we’re not ready to give up our comforts just to extend the life of this planet by a couple of hundred years. Hey, what’s the point of living if you can’t drive your family around in a ten-ton Lincoln Navigator?
Our lifestyle just doesn’t necessarily work along with the common man’s understanding of global warming and ending the problem. Just look at all those greenhouse gasses that come from our Jewish food alone. Borscht, chulent and all the garlic, onions and cabbage that we consume on a daily basis can’t be doing any good for the environment or for the ozone layer, for that matter. How on earth can we ever hope to conform to the universal guidelines for ozone layer damage prevention when even our ethnic delicacies are so toxic and damaging?
Truth be told, Jews are very concerned about global warming. We really are! It’s just that we don’t necessarily agree with the conventional American way of helping the environment. We, as Jews, have our own style and system of putting an end to environmental toxicity. For instance, there is the issue of disposable dishes being a large contributor to landfills. We have our own way of dealing with that. That’s why at a Kiddush in shul everyone shares one single plate. Everyone just helps themselves and takes right out of the serving bowl. No utensils are even necessary. It saves tons of non-renewable resources and helps to diminish lots of waste.
Here’s another example of how we conserve. Instead of taking individual showers or baths, many men go to the mikvah every day and capitalize on the collective washing concept. This way we help eliminate the pointless waste of fresh, clean water. Communal water sharing is our unique way of helping the environment.
Even more so when it comes to energy conservation - Jews are one of the best conservers. Look at Jewish food. It takes almost no energy at all to produce most of our favored delicacies. Herring is cured, lox is smoked and matzos can even be baked in the sun, no cooking or baking necessary. What other ethnicity can say that about their foods?
Now let’s talk about home heating and cooling. Here’s another area where Jews have got every other denomination beat with their environmental protection. One week out of every year we turn off our steam and air-conditioning and we live in little huts outside in the open. Now, how is that for being environmentally friendly? We really go to far lengths to help out Mother Earth.
How about all those fast days that we have every year? We eat nothing and don’t even swallow an ounce of water all day long. Now doesn’t that save some trees somewhere in the world?
Hand-me-downs. Another effective way of dealing with global warming. Jewish mothers are notorious for keeping good articles of clothing and passing them around the family. A sweater worn by three generations of children means less waste and a cleaner planet.
You see, the thing is that it’s not global warming that gets Jews nervous, it’s just the empty talking about it that bothers us. Al Gore, undoubtedly the most vocal global preservation activist in the world, enjoys making call-in interviews to big radio stations on his cell phone from his private jet on the way to his forty-five room mansion about how the exorbitant waste of resources that people perpetrate is so horrible. And the problem is that Jews just find that to be a tiny bit hypocritical. So we have a tiny little problem doing things to help the environment in the way that is being prescribed to us a by a global hypocrite. Hence, the reason why we have our own very effective methods of prolonging the life of our planet.
Do you see Jewish people flying private jets? Do you see Jewish people running around in front of cameras hocking about global warming? Do you see Jewish people in those big buildings with the big smoke stacks and that horrible black smoke coming out of it? NO! It’s because we are not hypocrites and we are not polluters. We love our planet and will do anything to protect it for our future generations. Unlike any other denomination, we are not merely committed to global preservation; we are morally obligated and held responsible by the Torah to preserve our planet and the life on it.
So if you get down to the real nitty-gritty of things, it may possibly be that Jews are the most environmentally friendly conservationists anywhere in the world. While many people merely like to talk about saving the environment, Jewish people actually like to do something about it.   

Chaptzem is a heimishe blogger that authors the Chaptzem Blog, the most popular heimishe web-site. The Chaptzem Blog has been quoted many times in the mainstream media and is viewed by thousands daily.
www.chaptzem.blogspot.com

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