Jewish Parking Prayer
Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He’s late for a meeting and he’s looking for a parking place, but he can’t find one. In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: “G-d, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I’ll eat only kosher, respect Shabbos and all the holidays…”
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him. He turns his face up to heaven and says “Don’t bother, G-d, I’ve just found one.”
Mr. Maykil (Lenient)
There was a man who spent his entire life looking for kulahs (leniencies) in all aspects of halacha (Jewish law). Whatever the subject was, he would search around until he found a rabbi who had a more lenient opinion he could rely on.
After 120 years, he came up to the gates of Shamayim. Hashem looked at the man’s life record and said, “Well, you certainly did everything I asked of you. Angels, please take this man straight to Gan Eden!”
The angels escorted the ecstatic man straight to the gates of Gan Eden and brought him into a small room. But when they arrived, all there was in the room was a dark, damp cell, a table, and one small candle! The man was shocked and quickly turned to the angels and asked in horror, “This is Heaven?”
The angels looked at him and said, “According to some more lenient opinions.”
The Daddy Trick
“Oh, I sure am happy to see you,” the little boy said to his maternal grandmother. “Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that?” she asked.
“I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit,” the little boy answered.
I was trying hard to get the last bit of ketchup to come out of the jar. During my struggle the phone rang, so I asked my 5-year-old daughter to answer it. “It’s the Rabbi, Tatte,” my child said to me. Then she spoke into the phone: “Tatte can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. He’s hitting the bottle.”
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly homebound, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”
Joke of the Month
AH Bubbeh Maiseh
A little Jewish grandmother gets on a crowded bus and discovers that she doesn’t have correct change for the fare.
The driver tries to be firm with her, but she places her hand delicately over her heart and murmurs, “If you knew what I had, you’d be nicer to me.”
He caves in and lets her ride for free.
She uses the same technique to move down the crowded aisle, and ultimately to get a seat on the overcrowded bus.
A woman who had been watching all this leaned over and said to her, “I know this is none of my business, but just what is it that you’ve got, anyway?”
The little Jewish grandmother smiled and said, “Chutzpah.”