Many adults speak about the divorce of their parents or a third degree burn they sustained as a young child as if it had happened yesterday. Why?

When the emotional trauma was NOT addressed, there remains a state of undercurrent depression, phobia or anxiety. Residue of unresolved questions, fears and emotions haunts the conscience or subconscious of the children, affecting their emotional level of functioning as adults.

The mental development of a child mirrors the child's physical development. Each takes place at its own pace. We can physically see the short stature of an 8-year-old, but it is harder to visualize the child's underdeveloped mind. The child's mind comprehends little, compared to the mind of an adult. Therefore, without a doubt, a sudden illness or accident warrants immediate emergency physical treatment, but treatment needs to be administered to prevent mental and emotional scarring as well. What good is it to save a child by giving him a successful kidney transplant if he will never function as a mature, responsible and adjusted adult later on? It's not enough to put a cast on the broken bones of a young accident victim, because the victim needs to attend to the emotional trauma as well, so he will not constantly battle the emotional puddles of his life. To prevent this sad phenomenon it's important to understand what goes on inside the child's mind during the physical trauma. Then when the crisis is over, or even during the crisis, parents can immediately deal with the child's invisible emotions so that they do not linger, waiting for adulthood to inflict their damage.

As adults, we understand that we have little control over our health, money, happiness, etc., and that there is a higher being, G-d, who determines our destiny. Our role is strictly to do our hishtadlus, to find a job, to search for the best schools for our children, to look for a shidduch, to wear seat belts, not to drive while intoxicated, etc. Once we have done our best to ensure our welfare, we pray to G-d to grant us success and happiness. It is G-d to whom we turn in times of joy as well as in times of sadness. And sometimes, when a crisis hurts, such as in great illness or upon the loss of all financial assets, we may even get angry at G-d and cry out, "Why did you do this to me? I don't deserve it! You know how much I always help people and do good deeds!" This initial expression of anger is normal, and eventually it leads to acceptance that everything G-d does is to our benefit even though we don't see it or understand it. With time the path of pain leads in the direction of faith. Faith is security, knowing that a higher being is taking care of us at all times.

TO CHILDREN, PARENTS ARE THEIR G-DS. Young children turn to their mother and father when they hurt their knee from a fall, when a bully in the class hits them, when the bus driver screams at them, when the seminary or high school they applied to denies their admission, when camp food stinks and they need a whole busload of homemade food and bottled water, when they are sick with the flu or have strep throat, when they fail a test they studied so hard for, when they feel rejected because they haven't gotten into the school play, when they have to study for a Bar Mitzvah p'shetel and have phobia of public speaking, when they are afraid of a thunderstorm, etc. and etc. Mommy and Daddy can make all wrongs right and all scary things secure.

Things become emotionally confusing and disappointing to a child when he gets seriously sick or hurt, such as when he has a spinal injury, a third degree burn, juvenile diabetes or a sudden surgery where great pain is involved, or when he gets abused by an adult or is a passenger in a major car accident. He immediately screams out to his G-d, the parents, "Why did you allow this to happen to me? You were supposed to have watched me, taken care of me and foreseen all events. Why didn't you protect me?" While adults can move from the stage of shock and anger to eventual acceptance that every crisis is for the best, children cannot.

The emotional trauma is what warrants parental intervention ... to restore the mental equilibrium and security of the child.

When parents do not come to the emotional rescue, children automatically internalize the disappointment in their parents by blaming themselves. Blaming parents, who are supposed to know everything, is too frightening for their fragile egos to deal with. It would shatter their necessary belief that parents are perfect, protective beings. To ward off anxiety, children may "act out," get depressed or transfer their anger into other areas, taking it out on siblings or friends.

Perhaps nothing causes as much self-anguish as "self-blame." "If I would have listened to my parents more, they would never have gotten divorced." "If I had davened with more kavana, I would never have gotten cancer." "If I would have gotten dressed more quickly, I would not have missed the bus and had the car accident." While the child blames himself for just about any serious mishap that occurs, he does not necessarily verbalize the hate and loathing he takes upon himself. As a matter of fact, he may not even be conscious of these feelings, let alone express them.

This is where the parents come in. Whether the child pulled the water percolator on himself or ended up in the hospital with tubes, pain and extreme fear of the unknown, parents should tell the child over and over that it did NOT happen because he was bad or because he misbehaved. This must be vocalized many times over if the child is to move from the stage of shock and fear to eventual acceptance.

Very often when a child experiences the death of a loved one, a long-term illness in a parent or himself, being touched inappropriately, losing friends after moving to a different location, a long hospital stay, having a parent who is emotionally ill, etc., he cannot adjust back to normal life ... even after the circumstances have improved or gotten totally better. He takes upon himself a state of hyper-vigilance, which can be seen in his high level of anxiety or in his obsessive-compulsive behavior. Out of the woods does not mean being rid of the emotional splinters, bites and scratches that plagued him while he was lost in the forest. The child no longer feels sure that something terrible will not happen ... any minute. He needs constant, 24-hour reassurance to avoid a constant hyper-alertness. At no time can he fully relax. He is in a constant state of worry and asks a million questions and assumes uncalled-for responsibility in an effort to satisfy his internal fear.

If his parents are sitting and having a serious conversation, he will have a serious compulsion to know everything. This is not because he wants to butt into the adults' lives, but to ward off the state of anxiety that gets triggered by any possible sign of a problem. If Mother talks on the phone and mentions that she has a doctor's appointment, the child immediately assumes the worst - "Mommy has cancer." If Father is late in coming home from work and the child sees Mother's worried face, immediately the child takes out a Tehillim to daven. He is certain that Father had a bad car accident. If the family goes to the park on a trip, the hyper-vigilant child will not really join in the fun. He has a job to do - make sure no one gets lost, put sweaters on the children if it gets chilly, make sure everyone has a sandwich with a drink, etc. Parents often get frustrated at such demonstration of hyper-vigilance and say, "Who asked you to take over our role as parents? Can't you just relax?" The sad answer is that in all probability no one has asked the child to take over the parental role, and no, the child cannot relax, although he would love to be a kid like his siblings are. He is compelled to be hyper-vigilant about everything that goes on at all times because he feels he has to take the responsibility of maintaining a level of safety since his parents were inadequate in their ability to make the world safe for him. By being constantly alert he can prevent another tragedy from occurring. By his taking care of everyone, no harm will come to anyone. By being hyper-vigilant, he is one step ahead of preventing any mishap from happening to himself and his loved ones.

Once the blame issue has been taken care of, it is a good idea to apologize to the child for not having had the power to protect him (for having failed in the eyes of the child). Even when a crisis is totally circumstantial or perhaps indeed the fault of the child who was told 100 times not to stand up on a chair to get hot water by himself from the percolator, nevertheless parents should apologize. They can do this by saying, "I am so sorry that you are in such pain. I am so sorry that you have to get needles and painful procedures." If a divorce is causing the crisis, empathize with "Mommy and Daddy no longer live in the same house and you have to juggle between two households." If a serious illness causes hospitalization, don't hesitate to say, "I feel so badly that you have to use a wheelchair while everyone is walking around" or "I feel so badly that your pretty curls are falling out." If a car accident caused the trauma, repeat many times over, "I feel terrible that I was not able to prevent the accident. If I could have, I certainly would have done anything and everything in the world to prevent you from feeling so badly."

If parents, out of naivete, do not remove the self-blame or apologize for their vulnerability as human beings and do not project an empathetic apology for the pain and unfairness of the situation for the child, then the child cannot move to the stage of full emotional recovery. Taking parental responsibility is not a choice; it is an absolute necessity, because if the parents won't do it, the child will. If the parents take responsibility, this frees the child of guilt and blame as he attempts to rebuild his world of security by himself. Almost always he fails to do it on his own.

Parents need to be crystal clear that a trauma has two parts, the physical and the emotional. If the psychological needs of the child are not attended to, emotional recovery will stagnate, perhaps forever. Yes, his bones may have healed and he is back in school again, but mentally HE IS STILL STUCK IN THE FIRST PHASE of resentment toward the G-dly image of his parents who should not have allowed him to get cancer in the first place. Apologizing over and over not only provides empathy, it puts a deep layer of comfort and security into the heart of the child, who needs it as much as the chemotherapy seeping into his blood stream.

Instead of reprimanding the child for climbing the tree and falling off, hold back on speeches of "I told you so." Concentrate instead on taking away the self-blame and on apologizing for the child's pain, regardless of the fact that you told him 100 times not to climb trees. Is your goal to "be right" or to help your child recover, both physically as well as emotionally? Being righteous by claiming "But it surely isn't my fault. Besides, let him learn a lesson once and for all" will not work. It will only reinforce his self-guilt and further remove parental security. If you want your child to have a full recovery, drop all logic and appeal to his disappointment and painful emotions. Fix that first and then vent to your spouse, mother, friend or another adult if you feel the need to. DO NOT RUIN THE APOLOGY BY SAYING "IT ISN'T MY FAULT EITHER," "G-D MEANT IT TO HAPPEN" OR "YOU'LL GET OVER IT." Just apologize, over and over and over again. When a child receives this apology, he will recover, not only physically but psychologically as well.

Even if a traumatized child has already grown up, it is not too late. Parents can still go back and repair emotional scarring that can translate into phobias, anxiety attacks, panic attacks, poor child/parent relationship, OCD, etc. If parents have the maturity not to be defensive and to apologize for hurts of the past (even when it is not their fault), miracles can begin to happen. No, parents cannot protect their children from the pains of life, but they do have the capacity to rub it in or to rub it away.