Codependence

Offender behavior

Narcissistic disorders

Trust issues

Acting out/acting in (overt attention-seeking behavior or extreme repression of feelings)

Magical thinking (gullibility)

Intimacy dysfunction

Non-disciplined behavior

Addictive/compulsive behavior

Thought distortions

Emptiness

People who come from a home where there was physical, emotional or mental abuse may have any or all of the above attributes. Being an emotionally codependent person means that you don't honestly know yourself, what your needs are or even what you are feeling. Codependents are usually people-pleasers who do not have an opinion about what they like or even what they want to do at any given moment. They will often defer to anybody else who has a stronger opinion.

Children who were made to be caretakers of their parents or of other siblings when they weren't developmentally ready to do so often wind up in codependent relationships when they grow up. They tend to be extremely sensitive to other people's needs, appearing almost psychic about how someone else feels. They can sense what another person feels or needs even before that person knows it.

Children who were verbally scolded, severely criticized or abused may wind up in positions where they act out what was done to them. Offender behavior may range from acts of extreme abuse to more subtle acts, such as demeaning others or bullying people. For example a boy whose father continuously criticized him for being slow in his studies may wind up being a teacher who does the same thing to his young students. A girl who was shamed about her looks may become a mother who continually ridicules her daughter about her grooming or about her choice of fashion. These types of offensive characteristics are mainly unconscious to the offender. The abuse stems from the wounded child within these adults repeating what has become ingrained and habitual in their subconscious minds.

Much of the information that has become available to practitioners of this type of therapy has been gleaned from addicts in rehabilitation facilities. Focusing on healing their inner children has helped many addicts gain control of their lives. One of the most difficult ideas to understand in recovery work is the notion that children will actually bond to the abuse that was perpetrated against them and that they will even bond with the abuser himself. Children who are demeaned and loved by the same parent will integrate the two and grow up believing that love equals being demeaned. A child who is physically abused but also shown acceptance and appreciation from a parent or a close relative will very often believe that anyone who truly cares about him will hit or punch him, since that was the way that he was validated when he was vulnerable. This explains why many spouses stay with abusive mates. For many, the abuse itself is an act of love. The verbal degradation may be their only way of believing that a significant other truly loves them. Wounded adults may even provoke their spouses to hurt, degrade, humiliate or abuse them in order to feel that they are loved.

There are subtler forms of abuse occurring around us that we may not recognize as abuse. People who are "perfectionists" or "constructive" critics, always needing to be "the best" and expecting their closest relatives to be "the best," wind up destroying the spirit of their loved ones. They eventually raise children who are afraid of making mistakes. Often these kids will grow up to be very fearful adults and have difficulty with new challenges or changes of any kind. The odds are that these "perfectionist," highly critical parents were victims of this type of upbringing themselves.

Wounded adults are often insatiable in their needs. Unconsciously they may push to be with someone, ostensibly for the other person's sake, even though it is their wounded inner child that is petrified to be alone. They may appear to be very helpful and kind to someone because unconsciously they need to hook the other person into emotional indebtedness. That way they can "guilt" the other person into helping them when they are feeling needy and desperate for attention.

Estimates are that there were 130 million addicts in this country 10 years ago, writes John Bradshaw. All of them, he concludes, were victims of early family dysfunction. Abuse, he writes, is the training ground for addiction. Shaming, throwing guilt and incessantly blaming are some of the ways that children are soul-murdered. Being reared on such an emotional diet will leave a person without any dignity, integrity or any real sense of self. As they mature they will look to medicate their terrible pain or emptiness with mood-altering behaviors. This may take the form of drugs, over-eating, alcoholism, workaholism, incessant preaching, gambling, dangerous risk taking, even by "awfulizing." People from dysfunctional families may have thought disorders. This can take the form of hearing a story or circumstances and exaggerating the possibilities to their absolute worst scenario. For such people all bad news is catastrophic. Other people's challenges become this person's worst nightmare within seconds of hearing the news. Hypochondriasis, or the fear of sickness or dying at any given moment, may also be symptoms of a disturbed childhood.

There are some extreme physical measures that wounded adults may indulge in to actualize their emotional pain or to fill in the empty void. Some people will cut themselves, others will hit themselves, some will bite themselves and others may even pull out their own hair. All of these different addictions, compulsive behaviors or thought disorders are unconscious ways to complete the unfinished business of a warped childhood. They are sincere efforts to right the wrongs of their past, to redo love in a healthier, more wholesome way. All are looking for balance. To the extent that they can heal the wrongs of their childhood these people will be able to achieve a measure of balance and peace in their lives.

According to the experts, our American culture as a whole and certain sectors of our frum community in particular are largely responsible for the outright shaming of many people, especially those with physical and learning disabilities or those who look or act culturally different from ourselves. Many philosophers of modern day thinking as well as certain schools of religious thought have placed an inordinate amount of emphasis on the supremacy of the mind and a belittling and degrading of the heart and feelings. Many lives have been damaged for those creative and artistic spirits who were viewed with contempt and scorn for being so "emotional" in a world governed by "logic" and science. Thank G-d we as a society are finally waking up to the importance of individual sensitivity and the expression of love as true instruments of personal value.

Inner child work can be quite intense. This therapy tracks the various stages of a person's childhood to identify where certain developmental phases may have been interrupted. With various exercises and understanding we can heal the disturbance and move on to the next one and then to the next damaged stage of growth. The goal is to work through the developmental problems until we can become whole. Then we can embrace the "wonder" child. As healed adults we learn to enjoy the spontaneity, fun and healthy curiosity of the child within all of us. It is our inherent birthright.